Bad Parents and Perfect Partners of Avoidant Attachments

        We all know avoidants carry a fantasy of the “perfect lover” in their heads. If you become an ex, they’ll forget your flaws, fixate on your strengths, and compare every new partner to you. Strangely, even though their parents were often toxic, avoidants struggle to break away—some even form codependent bonds with their mothers. Why does this happen?

         Let me tell a story. Growing up in a family with strong son preference, my grandma favored my older brother wildly. She’d give him a big candy and me a tiny one, whispering, “Don’t let your sister see.” She slept with him every night but stayed by my bed until I fell asleep. When I asked why, she’d snap at me to “just sleep.” After she died, my parents left me alone at night to gamble. I was terrified of ghosts, but leaving the light on got me yelled at. I’d hide under the covers, suffocating, but too scared to come out. Even though Grandma treated me badly, I craved her presence—having someone, even flawed, felt safer than nothing. Avoidants’ parents are like this: always prioritizing something over their kids, but they’re the only constant. Over time, avoidants accept this as “normal” and cling to parents (especially moms) as the only “reliable” figures—even if that “reliability” means emotional neglect.

        Now, the “perfect lover.” Deep down, we all seek partners who heal childhood wounds. If you never felt prioritized as a kid, you might demand your partner put you first (like I did). For avoidants, whose parents barely met basic emotional needs, this wound runs deeper. They want a partner who:

       These aren’t romantic expectations—they’re childhood wishes for ideal parents in disguise. Avoidants aren’t looking for lovers; they’re searching for someone to fill the emotional void their parents left. They want your “light,” but don’t want to be asked to shine back—because in their minds, “true love” (like the love they never got) requires no reciprocation.