How the Avoidant Attachment Style Runs Their Inner System
(1) Survival
For most of us, making it to today feels like no big deal. But for avoidants, surviving is a straight-up miracle. Life hasn’t just been hard—they can’t even let themselves hope for small joys, let alone the happiness of love.
Let me give an example from last week: The night before Shijiazhuang locked down, it was freezing. My two-year-old daughter had a bad cough, so I needed to buy medicine. But I was scared the cold would make her worse, so I asked her to wait home alone while I ran to the pharmacy. It took me three pharmacies and a long line (since everyone was stocking up before the lockdown), so I was gone over 30 minutes. When I got back, she was crying. Later, she hugged me and said: “You forgot about me! If you forget me, you won’t have me anymore.”
Think about what she felt: pure survival fear. She knew if I didn’t come back, she couldn’t make it. That’s the kind of daily (or worse) fear avoidants faced as kids. No wonder they’ve had a tougher ride than most! That’s why many avoidants are super careful with their health—they cherish life because it’s been so damn hard to hold onto.
(2) Empathy
Lots of people say avoidants lack empathy, but that’s wrong. Here’s why: While we grew up trusting parents to keep us alive, avoidants feel they survived by sheer willpower. Watch them—they’re crazy sensitive to emotions in themselves and others. But reacting to those emotions? That’s a whole different ballgame.
Avoidants live in negative emotions, which makes them experts at reading feelings (that’s why they often seem smart). But they don’t react because your pain doesn’t register—compared to what they’ve been through, it’s tiny. When you complain, they think you’re being dramatic. Same with happiness: they ignore it because they’re hardwired to see joy as temporary and pain as normal. Like, “Marriage ends in divorce anyway—congrats when you make it 50 years.”
Why do they give lukewarm support in crises? Example: When I got stuck in Shijiazhuang quarantine with my kid, a normal friend would say, “Do you have food? Need me to send supplies? Give me your address.” An avoidant might say, “Wear a mask. Seriously, wear a mask.” That’s it. Their care is real, but sharing resources is a no-go. Why? 1) Giving means they have less. 2) They believe relationships shouldn’t be about “stuff”—which leads to the next point.
(3) What Is Love?
“Love is giving,” says every self-help book. But avoidants only get half of that. When we fall in love, we want to merge, share, belong—because two people in love should be a team. We want to share our best, create for each other, and yeah, claim what’s theirs. That’s instinct. Education might polish it, but the core stays.
Avoidants, though—they’ve never felt real love. They idealize it to the point where love must “transcend all reality and human flaws.” Translation: “If you love me, you give without expecting anything. If you want responses, more texts, or quality time— that’s not real love. If you aren’t truly loving me, why should I love you? Loving you would just hurt me, and I’ve had enough of that. I need to be 100% sure you’re real before I open up. Until then, I’ll just watch.”
(4) Selfishness vs. Self-Interest
We’re all born selfish, but most of us learn—growing up in healthy homes or navigating society—that selfishness doesn’t pay off. Altruism does. So we cooperate, help others, and build a support network. It’s a roundabout way to help ourselves.
Avoidants keep it simple: “Looking out for myself is looking out for myself.” They’re tight with money and prioritize their needs in conflicts—because, in their world, only they can protect themselves. That’s why people call them selfish. Sure, they lose in the long run, but they can’t wait around. The future is risky; the present is king. Hence, they seem small-minded.
(5) What Are They Avoiding, Exactly?
People say avoidants fear intimacy because “intimacy = pain.” But here’s the twist: If they feared intimacy, they wouldn’t date. The real issue? Their warped view of love (see point 2). They’re not avoiding love—they’re avoiding demands. The second they sense your love has strings (material or emotional), they pull back. Love them unconditionally—give, understand, care without asking—and they’ll stick around.
(6) The Toxic Suppression Tactics
Avoidants have a playbook of messed-up tactics to shut down feelings. Why messed up? Because they might:
- Ghost you—no texts, calls, or answers.
- Flirt with others (male avoidants often have multiple “situationships”).
- Obsess over exes and tell you you’re not as good.
- Cheat.
- Shut down sexually.
Each tactic is soul-crushing, but why do they do it? Fear of abandonment. Remember my daughter’s panic when I was gone? Avoidants use any trick to avoid relying on someone—so when that person leaves, it “hurts less.” Pushing people away or ruining relationships gives them a twisted sense of safety. That’s why folks say avoidants start rehearsing breakups on day one—so when it ends, they act unfazed.
But this destroys relationships! Here’s why: It’s in their DNA. Part of them thinks, “No one stays; only I can save myself.” Another part (the same part we all have) craves connection, shouting, “You need love to feel whole.” That’s the conflict: they want love but can’t help sabotaging it. Plus, their amygdala is overactive, so when you make demands, their stress response kicks in—they can’t control their actions, even if they know it’s wrong.
(7) The Walking Contradiction
An avoidant once told me, “Humans are walking contradictions.” Now I see they mean themselves:
- They want a perfect partner but know perfection doesn’t exist.
- They crave someone who gives endlessly but know it’s impossible.
- They want someone to accept their darkest thoughts but won’t reveal those thoughts (or admit they use the tactics above).
- They want a badass partner to lead them but also want that partner to obey them.
These contradictions make them seem “messed up,” and they know it—but they can’t change. So they decide they “don’t deserve love.” The truth? They do deserve love—they just need someone to love them in a way that fits their messed-up wiring.
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