The Journey to Self-Salvation for Anxious Attachments

After years of living with anxiety, anxious attachers finally face extreme pain when they fall for someone with an avoidant attachment style. In fact, meeting and loving an avoidant is both a trial and a lesson in life—it teaches you to be independent, to save yourself, and to grow love from within rather than seeking it from others. This kind of self-transformation only happens after you’ve hit real despair.

Here’s my guide to saving yourself:

But let me address something first: Many people message me asking, “What did my avoidant partner mean by saying/doing that?” I’m sorry, but I can’t answer that. You can take a test to confirm if they’re avoidant—please don’t put that on me. And if you think you’re perfect and refuse to listen to advice? You don’t need help—you just want someone to validate your own thoughts. I can’t do that. I’m just trying to share what I’ve researched objectively.

Back to the point: “Love yourself” sounds simple, but it’s hard to practice.

Loving yourself doesn’t mean being selfish—it means having the ability to grow love from within. Take this common piece of advice, for example: “Buy the things you like yourself.” That’s real, healthy advice. If you can’t afford something, asking others to buy it for you is tough—unless you can trade value in other ways. But it’s better to afford it yourself. Then your heart is free; your fate isn’t in someone else’s hands. I don’t need to beg you for candy—I’ve got plenty in my pocket, even enough to share. That’s a level of loving yourself.

Loving yourself means not doing things that hurt you. I read a story once: During a war, several women fled to another country and were rescued by an old woman who treated them kindly. Over time, the women realized her motive—she wanted to find a wife for her intellectually disabled son. One by one, they left with excuses. But one woman stayed. She knew the old woman’s plan but felt she owed her for saving her life. She thought she should repay the favor, even if it meant marrying the disabled son. She just couldn’t say, “I don’t want to.” In the end, she lived a miserable life, never knowing happiness. How irresponsible she was to herself! Refusing the old woman wouldn’t have been selfish—the old woman’s scheme was selfish. Repaying kindness means, “I’ll help you in any way I can, but not at the cost of hurting myself.” If it hurts you, it’s not repayment—it’s just foolish.

If you’re still fixated on the avoidant, let me give you a clear path (even if it upsets some people). It’s three words: Be yourself. In fact, no matter who your partner is, the best approach in love is to be yourself.

Since my writing focuses on avoidants, let’s talk about dating one. How does a truly strong person act with an avoidant partner? Does she spend her days obsessing over what her boyfriend is thinking? Does she worry nonstop if her words or actions will upset him? Does she try to please him endlessly? Does she beg him to go feed pigeons in London with her? Does she stress all day about him cheating? No. She just lives: if she wants to shop, she shops; if she wants coffee, she gets coffee; if she wants to learn a skill, she dives right in. Of course, she has emotional needs. What if her boyfriend can’t meet them? Is he the only man in the world? There are plenty of others. She can have male friends to chat with—but she still loves him, because she hasn’t left. She just loves herself too. You can’t live too resentment.

People ask if anyone can make it work with an avoidant. I say, “Yes—but it’s rare.” You’d have to push yourself to understand the avoidant mindset, then shift to a secure style, and finally settle into being mostly secure with a hint of avoidant. Why? You need to walk in their shoes to grasp their logic and build a foundation for communication. But you need more secure traits to avoid fearing their distance or leaving—so you can love them bravely, but love yourself more.

At the same time, the avoidant needs to shift toward being secure. They must clearly see their avoidant traits and want to put in effort to change (though they’ll never fully shake the avoidant side). In the end, they’ll be mostly avoidant with a hint of secure. Why? They can’t have more secure traits than avoidant ones. But even a little security helps—they’ll let their guard down, feel your love and warmth, and slowly trust you (even if they still withdraw sometimes). It’s like how they might dislike their parents (who hurt them) but still rely on them—because parents feel safer than others.

Loving an avoidant requires a “god’s eye view”: guiding them is far more important than just tolerating them. It’s like raising a child. Let me use my own experience as a mom: When I was pregnant, I had irreconcilable fights with my child’s father, so I divorced him when I was four months along. Our baby was born with less security than most. But luckily, I’m a loving person, and she has my genes. By age one, she was hyper-protective of herself—she’d panic whenever I left. One night, she kept crying even after I got home, clearly scared. I said, “Baby, Mommy loves you.” She instantly relaxed. Now she’s almost three, with a secure attachment style. She says “I love you, Mommy” every day. If I wash fruit for her, she says, “Mommy, you’re the best!” If I do something she can’t, she says, “Mommy, you’re so cool.”

Once, I gave her bitter herbal medicine, and I’d let her have candy afterward. One day, I gave her water instead. She said, “Mommy, I don’t want water. I want candy.” I was relieved she could speak her mind. But do I spoil her endlessly? No. When she misbehaves, I ask her what to do. She says, “I’m sorry!” Then I tell her not to do it again, and she agrees. Now, when she messes up, she tells me first. I still scold her and make her apologize.

Once, she played with my teeth cleaner and broke the water cap. She was terrified, knowing she’d messed up. I scolded her firmly and took away her morning snacks. Kids want to do whatever they want—they think that’s best. But some “freedom” is just misbehavior, and you have to correct it. Would you let it slide just because they hate being corrected? That’s irresponsible. A kid raised that way won’t learn gratitude or right from wrong. Worse, some even end up resenting or harming their parents.