The Self-Help Journey for Avoidant Attachment

First, I want to say:
If your parents have avoidant attachment themselves, and you have a very deep-seated avoidant attachment, these methods may not work. I still believe that particularly deep avoidant attachment requires some auxiliary medication (but there is no such medication currently) plus long-term deliberate practice.
However, for avoidant attachment caused by childhood experiences or emotional experiences, if you absorb these methods carefully and practice them well, I think they will be effective.

People with avoidant attachment often talk about “independence.” They think they are independent enough and that everyone should be independent; otherwise, they are causing trouble for others.
But people with avoidant attachment have a misunderstanding about independence. What they understand as independence is what we call “self-reliance.” True independence means being self-sufficient economically, mentally, and in daily life. Self-reliance, on the other hand, means relying on oneself for everything. This may seem similar, but the self-reliance of avoidant attachment involves refusing cooperation and fearing trust. They think relying on themselves is the safest option. They do not avoid help and cooperation because they are mentally strong enough to not need them—they are afraid. The biggest difference with true independence is that mentally strong, independent people can live happily alone. They do not refuse cooperation, nor do they expect someone to rely on. They can tolerate themselves and others, without being overly critical or dismissive. Deep down, though, people with avoidant attachment long for love. They just disguise themselves as “independent” to avoid getting hurt.
So, the first step to change is recognizing that your so-called “independence” is actually “self-reliance”—an uncomfortable and unhealthy state. You should not demand others to be as “independent” as you. Instead, you should learn to strengthen your mental strength, and that starts with cooperating with others.

To become strong, you must first learn to tolerate others. One person’s abilities are very limited. Only through continuous cooperation with others can we multiply the breadth of our lives; otherwise, life will be like a plain, uneventful straight line.
Yet people with avoidant attachment dislike or are unaccustomed to cooperation. They may be good at working alone on research, but even research requires collaboration. For them, cooperation means trusting others, and their own pace feels controllable—these feel like invisible risks. They think controlling risks limits growth but at least keeps life from getting worse. However, as the saying goes, “If you don’t move forward, you fall behind.” Age, inflation, and social development move much faster than their “stability.” That is why many people with avoidant attachment, when they reach middle age, feel like “the past years were wasted”—because they could not open their hearts to cooperate with others. This applies to life too: as the saying goes, “A couple working together can achieve great things.”
The more you can tolerate others, the bigger your world becomes. At least, you need to grasp this concept.

It is hard to define the “safe distance” for people with avoidant attachment. They may not even know it themselves, only that getting too close makes them uncomfortable. But many people with avoidant attachment actually enjoy having a partner around—cooking together, grocery shopping, or watching shows. So where does this “safe distance” come from? I think it ties back to what I said before: they are not avoiding love, but your demands. When you ask questions like, “Who are you chatting with?” when they text others; when you want them to put down their phones and hold you; when you complain because they seem distracted; when you want to check their phone, meet their friends, make your relationship public, or even talk about marriage—these are the things that trigger their urgent need for “safe distance.”
But people with avoidant attachment, this is not “safe distance.” It is because you never viewed the relationship as long-term. If you had, you would know chatting with other 异性 without boundaries is wrong. Not introducing them to friends sends a message: “I haven’t really accepted you” (and deep down, that’s true). Refusing to make the relationship public is leaving a way out for a breakup. You know this but won’t admit it. This gives your partner no sense of security. While it’s true that security comes from within, your partner might leave if they try to find it—they stay only because they still love and tolerate you, despite the hurt.
Giving your partner basic security is one of the most important responsibilities for anyone wanting love.
Don’t say you’re just “preparing for the worst” to avoid pain. That’s something to figure out before entering a relationship. Your partner is human too—they feel sadness, heartache, and tears. Why should they be hurt by you?
This so-called “safe distance” is selfish. Give them security, and they will give you space in return. Conversely, the less security you give, the less space they will offer.

Why talk about love’s past and present? Because many people with avoidant attachment seem trapped in a cycle: missing or entangling with exes, breaking up and reconciling with current partners while nitpicking, flirting or cheating, and after a breakup, months or even years of mutual hurt before finally giving up.
Have you ever thought: Was your ex really that perfect when they were your partner? Will your current partner become “perfect” once they’re your ex? If you think your current partner is imperfect, recall—were they “perfect” when they first attracted you?
Perfection is just your imagination. There are no perfect people in this world. Even if there were, don’t expect them to be your partner—after all, we all have flaws.
Don’t date someone because you think they’re perfect. When someone attracts you, ask why you see them that way. Don’t say it’s “love”—I don’t believe that. Seeing someone as perfect often means you have a big void in your heart, hoping they’ll fill it. If that’s the case, give up. No one can fill your void, and there are no perfect angels.
You must learn to fill that void yourself before accepting someone—and acceptance means responsibility. If you want them to understand you, try to understand them first. If you want them to tolerate you, practice tolerating them first. If you don’t know how, watch how secure people act, or even ask them for advice. There’s no shame in asking for help when trying to become better.
Flirting, cheating, pining for exes—these are relationship killers, no exceptions. Remember: People who choose to be with you value love more than anything. Those who don’t will leave quickly. And people who value love have little tolerance for such hurt. You can control these behaviors—don’t let avoidant attachment be an excuse to hurt others. This is a matter of character, not personality.

People with avoidant attachment dislike making commitments—that’s true. But they know exactly what you need to feel secure, and what words or actions would comfort you. A simple “I love you” can mean more than a thousand words; “I’ll be here for you” can make someone go through fire for you. These are low-effort, high-reward acts, yet avoidant people often respond with coldness—almost universally.
People with avoidant attachment, “I love you” doesn’t have to turn into “We’re not right for each other.” “I’ll be here” doesn’t have to become “I’m leaving.” But if you never say “I love you” or “I’ll stay,” the relationship will almost certainly fail. Love needs commitment and plans for the future.
I know expressing feelings is hard. I used to be the same, influenced by Chinese culture: “Do good deeds in secret; being kind shouldn’t be spoken of, or it feels like showing off.” I thank an ex who changed me. Once, I did something nice for his mom and told him about it. He made me tell her, but I was shy. He said, “You need to express kindness—so others feel appreciated.” He pushed me to tell her, and she was thrilled, saying no girl had ever done that for her. That’s when I realized how much expressing love strengthens relationships.
To learn to express love, you may need to let go of pessimism. People with avoidant attachment struggle with “I love you” partly because they see love as heavy, and partly because they worry about the future. First, let go of pessimism: if you love someone now, focus on now. Your words reflect your current feelings, not the future. Second, love is beautiful, not heavy. If they attract you and make you want to stay—that’s love. Affirming that love encourages them to be better, creating a positive cycle.

Anyone who has dated someone with avoidant attachment knows this: they constantly test others’ feelings, never feeling satisfied. They are overly protective, reluctant to give—emotionally or financially—yet they love receiving from others. It’s hard to tell if this is avoidant attachment or just being selfish.
I once heard a person with avoidant attachment say it’s because they’re “poor.” If you give them 50 out of your 100, they have only 1 to give and are afraid to share it. To me, this is an excuse. The root cause is inability to trust others.
Studies show many people with avoidant attachment have selfish parents—one or both—who often act out of scarcity, fearing giving to others leaves them with less. Bad experiences also make trust hard. Over 20 years of this, children learn “no one can be trusted,” even with partners.
Don’t you want a high-paying job? A loving spouse? These come from real effort and giving. There’s no such thing as “true love” where someone gives endlessly without return. If you think that’s possible, ask yourself: Can you do that? You can’t even give a tenth of what others give you—so don’t expect it from them.
If you want to change, distance yourself from your family. Keep normal contact but limit deep interactions. It’s like a kid trying to quit gaming to study—you can’t make them sit in a game arcade. The temptation will pull them back. You need to reduce using your parents’ “no one can be trusted” habits and avoid triggers to build trust.
Trust and giving can be learned. Take my child: her father is stingy, and though she never lived with him, she inherited that trait—our family has no history of stinginess. I knew I had to fix this; otherwise, she’d suffer later. I made a rule: I’d buy her snacks, but she had to share everything with me. My mom struggled—she thought kids shouldn’t be “forced” to share. But I insisted. Now, she shares willingly. Once, she refused to share an orange, so I ate one without her and said, “If you don’t share, I won’t either—we’re equal.” She cried, but afterward, she promised to share. Now, she even offers me her lollipop.
People with avoidant attachment are like emotionally immature children. Their parents’ immaturity left them unable to learn trust. But once they taste the rewards of trust and giving, they can change.

This is the most important point: The deepest root of avoidant attachment is losing hope in life. They go through the motions, making talk of plans, effort, responsibility, or marriage feel overwhelming.
But I’ll say it anyway. I’ve spent so much time researching and writing—now we’re at the core, so I’ll keep going.
What’s it like to lose hope? Few know except those with depression. I hate to admit it publicly, but I’ve been there. Now, I’m healthy—a secure person.
Losing hope feels like being 多余，like a zombie, like existing without real parents…
Anxious partners often resent avoidant parents: “Why have a child if you don’t love them? How selfish!” Secretly, people with avoidant attachment feel the same—but they had no choice.
But you can choose: Don’t become like them—selfish and hurtful. As someone who’s been depressed and hospitalized, let me show you life’s hope.
Seasons cycle; the sun rises daily. You’re an adult, physically at least. Think of your relationships: people cried for you, hurt for you, wasted years on you despite the cost. Did they do this to control you? Maybe a little—but why you? That intensity comes from love. You’ve been deeply loved—more than once. Don’t you deserve it?
Yet you doubt, test, take without giving, avoid responsibility, keep an escape route. You hurt someone innocent. Growing up tough taught you to control others’ emotions, but control backfires. As their investment grows, their frustration, pursuit, and control create chaos—and you run.
But dear, the world isn’t scary—it’s wonderful. Life is too. Let’s try a new way, from the start.
Let me leave you with these thoughts: