Two Sets of Survival Logics: Avoidant vs. Anxious Attachment
In previous letters, I’ve mentioned that avoidant attachers operate on a different system than most of us. This system is their survival logic for navigating all social relationships. While avoidant people are just as “normal” as anyone else, those with different internal systems behave differently. If you can’t grasp this, you’ll suffer—because their “inhuman” behaviors won’t make sense through your logical framework. When you can’t explain their actions, you can’t rationalize them, and pain follows.
Different Attachment Styles Stem from Diverse Childhood Environments
- Secure attachers grew up in loving homes where parents met both their material and emotional needs. As adults, they understand and believe in love, know how to protect and value themselves, and trust they deserve to be loved.
- Anxious attachers grew up in loveless homes where parents met material needs but overlooked many emotional ones—often due to issues like son preference or negative parenting. As adults, they crave love and constantly seek to prove they’re worthy of it. Some over-give without boundaries, hoping to earn reciprocation through guilt or obligation. They may unconsciously use controlling behavior to feel secure.
- Avoidant attachers grew up in entirely loveless homes where parents only met material needs. They received little 陪伴 (companionship), had their emotions ignored, and often witnessed poor parental relationships or constant conflict. “Survival” in such homes meant just eating and dressing warmly, with no sense of ritual or care. As adults, they long to be loved and validated but fear rejection and abandonment. Lacking all 安全感 (security), their childhood environment taught them to suppress emotions—almost like a switch they can “turn off” during stress, then act as if nothing happened the next day.
The Core Difference Between Anxious and Avoidant Attachers
While both anxious and avoidant types lack love and share similarities, their fundamentals differ:
- Anxious attachers, no matter how distressed, still operate on the same “love system” as secure types. They give to others to achieve emotional balance; if they love someone, withholding affection or distance feels unbearable.
- Avoidant attachers, however, lack the “love module” entirely—like a Rubik’s Cube missing a piece. They’ve heard of love, think it sounds nice, and want it, but they can’t recognize it when given. Since they’ve never experienced love, they can’t give it either. In their minds, “giving” equals “hurting themselves,” so if love requires giving, then love = pain.
3 Key Causes of Avoidant Attachment
Avoidant attachment varies in severity:
- Adult emotional trauma: The mildest form, caused by severe heartbreak in a past relationship. This leads to distrust in love and fear of vulnerability. (I’d classify myself here, not fully avoidant but emotionally guarded.) This type can recover with a patient, loving partner who helps them transition to secure attachment.
- Toxic childhood experiences: The most commonly discussed cause, like parental conflict or chronic emotional neglect. Growing up without witnessing love makes avoidant adults see intimacy as threatening. They sense their relationship issues but crave love because they envy others’ healthy bonds. Changing this is hard—it’s like rebuilding their internal system from scratch and convincing them to abandon “survival habits” they see as superior (since their system minimizes harm, while yours feels risky).
- Genetic and physiological factors: Often overlooked but actually prevalent. Many avoidant traits stem from parents who were also avoidant, creating a cold, loveless home. This genetic predisposition, combined with environment, can feel hopeless. Worse, if you can’t learn healthy emotional skills, your children may become avoidant too. Physiologically, the amygdala (controlling subconscious emotions) dominates the prefrontal cortex (controlling rational behavior) in avoidant people. This makes them act reactively in relationships, often feeling out of control.
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